Types of Intimacy
In the 1960s, neuroscientist Paul D. MacLean introduced a theory known as the “Triune Brain” - a model suggesting that different parts of the brain are primarily responsible for different types of functions. Simplistically, the main components of this triune model are the neocortex (thinking), limbic system (feeling), and the basal ganglia (instinctual/ survival). 1
Each part governs a different way we experience and respond to the world. People who are connecting from the “thinking” brain exchange information and ideas. People who interact through the “feeling” brain share emotions and empathy. People who interact from the “instinctual” brain share touch, eye contact, and body language.
The neocortex (thinking brain) is the newest part of our brain - unique to humans and responsible for logic, language, and abstract reasoning. The limbic system or mammalian brain (feeling brain) is older and shared with other mammals. It governs emotions, empathy, and social bonding.
But the basal ganglia (survival/ instinctual brain) - also known as the reptilian brain-is the oldest. This ancient structure controls our most basic survival functions: breathing, heart rate, and instinctual connection cues like touch, eye contact, and physical proximity.
What makes somatic intimacy so powerful is that it bypasses thought and emotion, reaching straight into this most primal part of the brain. Research shows that gentle, non-threatening touch - like stroking, cuddling, or affectionate contact - activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the branch responsible for the body’s “rest and digest” state. This is the opposite of the “fight or flight” mode that many of us unconsciously live in every day.
In simple terms, touch tells your nervous system, “You’re safe. You’re with a friend,” in a way that words or logic never can. A meta-review even found that people who receive regular physical affection tend to have higher emotional resilience and better stress regulation.
“Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language and the last, and it always tells the truth.” - Margaret Atwood
Somatic intimacy also elicits a strong physiological response in a way that intellectual and emotional intimacy does not.
Skin-to-skin touch triggers the release of oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone.” This neurochemical has been shown to enhance social connection, lower stress, and reduce the activity in the amygdala - the part of the brain associated with fear and threat detection. In short, oxytocin helps the body feel safe enough to connect. Studies have shown that even very casual touch from strangers can change behavior such as tipping in restaurants, and compliance with requests.
The absence of touch, on the other hand, can have serious consequences. Studies have linked touch deprivation to developmental issues in infants and even suggested connections to certain symptoms found in autism spectrum disorders.
As an added bonus, people who receive physical affection also enjoy many other health benefits including lower blood pressure, lower levels of cortisol and norepinephrine (stress hormones), better sleep, and reduced inflammation.
Think of somatic intimacy as something you feel in your body, not something you process through emotions or thoughts.
We’re taught that to achieve intellectual or emotional intimacy, a verbal conversation needs to have curiosity, an active back-and-forth, different tones (playful, curious, tender), and a rich vocabulary.
“Touch tells you everything language cannot - if someone is listening, if someone is present, if someone is real.” - Jedidiah Jenkins
“Sometimes a touch is the only voice that can reach what words cannot.” - Victoria Erickson
Three types of intimacy: intellectual, emotional, and somatic.
The somatic intimacy, achieved through touch and nonverbal connection, is the most powerful because it directly activates the oldest part of our brain (basal ganglia) responsible for survival and instinct.