Simple Intimacy Concept to Attract
Why pulling instead of pushing is so important? 1
Here’s the thing, for people to feel fully accepted for who they are, they must first feel seen for who they are. When you “push” your stories, your experiences, and your feelings into that space, you are guaranteeing that they will not feel seen or heard.
On the other hand, when you “pull” their feelings, opinions, and experiences into the space, you are ultimately making that person feel heard and valued for their unique and authentic self. If you then respond without judgment and by validating them, you will have created a feeling of intimacy. The formula is simple:
- Container + Vulnerability + Validation = Intimacy
People who list their achievements are really saying, “I need you to validate me.”
Signs of Pushing
- highlighting accomplishments
- repeating pre-rehearsed stories
- dominating the conversation
- sharing other peoples’ opinions of you
- stating your expectations, desires, and needs a lot
- providing unsolicited solutions
How to Pull to Create Intimacy
- listening for threads
- validating emotions
- asking feeling based follow up questions
- holding a mirror
- giving genuine praise versus casual flattery
Takeaway
_“How do I want this person to feel after spending time with me?”
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou
when someone (red) employs the pushing method, the space between the two people is filled only with you. There is no room for the other person. Graphic created by author.
when someone (red) employs the pulling method, the space between the two people is filled mostly with them. Graphic created by author.
