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ways to be a better listener

Conversations are about more than information exchange. They’re about connection. 1

Practical tips anyone can use to become a better listener and dramatically improve the quality of your most important relationships. Key strategies: 1) Prioritize presence over problem-solving, offering advice only when requested; 2) Employ open-ended questions to foster connection and understanding, focusing on feelings rather than facts; and 3) Acknowledge and validate your own anxiety to avoid impulsive advice-giving and remain present.

Practical tips for becoming a better listener:

  1. Hold off on giving advice
  2. Ask open-ended questions
  3. Validate your own emotions, especially anxiety: Recognize your own anxiety and validate it to avoid acting on it and giving unsolicited advice.

Open-ended questions communicate that you care about the other person. Closed questions communicate that you care about information.

  • Instead of: Why are you upset? Try: How are you feeling?
  • Instead of: Was work stressful again? Try: How was your day at work?
  • Instead of: Did your mom criticize you again? Try: What happened in the conversation with your mom?

A few generic open-ended questions:

  • What was that like for you?
  • Can you tell me more about that?
  • How did you feel about that?
  • How are you feeling right now?
  • What was going through your mind?

When asking questions, avoid beginning with Why and use What or How instead. Why tends to make people feel like they’re being questioned or interrogated whereas How and What feel more neutral and less inquisitorial.

While our ability to solve problems is helpful in much of life, it’s precisely the wrong thing to do in a few situations. Namely, when people simply want to be heard, understood, and feel connected, problem-solving and advice-giving directly interfere.

When someone is scared, angry, depressed, or otherwise upset, the last thing they want is to feel like a burden or that something is wrong with them. But that’s exactly what happens when you give unsolicited advice to someone who’s struggling—they end up feeling like a problem.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

  • Open-ended questions communicate that you care about the other person. Closed questions communicate that you care about information.
    • For example:
      • Instead of: Why are you upset? Try: How are you feeling?
      • Instead of: Was work stressful again? Try: How was your day at work?
      • Instead of: Did your mom criticize you again? Try: What happened in the conversation with your mom?
    • When asking questions, avoid beginning with “Why” and use “What” or “How” instead. “Why” tends to make people feel like they’re being questioned or interrogated, whereas “How” and “What” feel more neutral and less inquisitorial.

  1. 3 Ways to Be a Much Better Listener ↩